Chapter 12:
As morning came again, they ate sparingly saving space for the big meals that awaited them. That’s right, meals. They would have to stop by each of their parents’ place. Ronnie was moving around the house happier than Dan had ever seen her. She was truly looking forward to this day. He only wished that he could have the same elated anticipation.
They spent the remainder of their morning taking care of all the animals so they wouldn’t have to come home so early. Boy! Was that ever a hopeful idea. He knew he would not hesitate one millisecond about turning around and going back home if the situation called for it.
As
they backed the van up to turn around
and head out the driveway Dan could see some gray clouds beginning
to form. Most days the clouds were always white, but today they seemed
ominous and foreboding. Was it a warning sign of what this day
would bring? He knew they couldn’t live in a shell, hidden away
from all possible threats to her existence. But, he knew he would do
anything
and everything to maintain her presence.
As they headed
down Airline Hwy. toward town Dan watched as Ronnie turned
on the radio. She smiled as a song they both had liked was playing. And then,
the weather turned dismal! The sound of static crackling
came over the radio. That was usually a sign of lightning.
They had reached the freeway. When the thunder came reverberating through the van Ronnie shuddered. “Are you getting cold?” Dan asked. “No. It’s just that the thunder frightened me a little.” she answered. He grabbed hold of her hand and placed it on his lap and laid his hand on top of her’s. A bright yellow flash of lightning exploded just over the hills on her side. She cringed a bit and gripped his hand hard. He winced, but didn’t let the pain show. When the second thunder clap washed over them, ‘Ronnie’ turned toward him with a worried look in her eyes. She was definitely scared. “Should I turn the van around?” he asked. “No, I think I’ll be OK.” she replied. He could tell she was just trying to be strong.
Dan didn’t remember his wife being afraid of thunderstorms. But, before he could make the next turnoff, rain had started hitting the windshield. The drops were very large as they splashed against the glass with their tiny thumps. He looked over at her as she kept her eyes forward. She was trying to be really brave. It was happening. The most dreaded moment since Ronnie had died the first time. She was going to fade away.
They both looked at each other with tears streaming down their cheeks. He looked back at the road ahead in order to catch the next exit ramp. As Dan pulled off he turned back toward Ronnie. She was already very faint. When he was finally able to bring the van to a complete stop she was barely visible. They reached for each other and held on for dear life. Even though she was barely there he could still feel her as if she were solid. He sensed her warmth and he felt her wet tears as her face nestled in his neck.
The rain came down even harder now. Dan guessed it was trying to make up for lost time. It had barely rained at all since he had brought her home from the coast. As the storm raged on they just continued to hold on as tight as they could. But, in the end all sensation of her being there with him went away. Ronnie was gone.
This was the first time Ronnie had vanished right there with him watching and unable to do anything about it. She was completely gone. Dan sat there all alone in his van letting the cold seep through his body as uncontrolled tears washed over his lips and dripped off his chin into his lap. Was it inevitable that this day would come? He had no answer right now, only remorse. Was he to grieve for her all over again?
Just as Dan had feared, the world was truly cruel. Well he certainly wasn’t going to attend the two dinners today. Maybe he never would. The rain continued to come down but not quite as hard as he turned the van around to head back home.
“Thanksgiving!” he thought. What did he have to be thankful for? Maybe that rationalization would come later. But for now there was only emptiness and sadness AGAIN! He wasn’t even aware of passing things because he just kept looking straight ahead. Dan's arms and shoulders ached from gripping the steering wheel so hard. His hands were nearly cramping as he dug his fingernails into the rubber wheel cover. His head was throbbing so hard he could swear he could hear bells ringing in his ears. What was the point of all this fantasy if it was just going to end the same way?
By
the time Dan turned off 101 onto 25 he realized that
the rain
had stopped.
His
head was a jumble of confusing thoughts and emotions.
He didn’t
want to go through with this again. He remembered what
a stranger at the bar had
told
him once. When it comes to grief, you can’t go
around it, you can’t
go under it, you can’t go over it. You must go
through it. But even though he knew that, it didn’t
make him feel any better.
Why
hadn’t he turned around sooner? Would that have
made a difference? “Damn
it all!” he screamed. Dan slammed his left hand
into the driver’s
side door. He didn’t even feel the pain or see
the blood because the confused emotions he was going
through took over any physical pain he might have felt.
He had thought there might be some sort of relief. But
all he experienced was
grief a thousand times worse then before. It was time
to face reality. Ronnie was REALLY GONE and he knew he
couldn’t
bear it any longer.